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snoggedTitle: Awf-some
Author: snogged
Disclaimer: Carter Bays and Craig Thomas own How I Met Your Mother. I don't. Please don't sue.
Pairing: Barney/Other Female, implied Barney/Robin
Word Count: 585
Rating: NC-17/FRAO; for explicit sex, adult language
Summary: Barney tries to ease the pain of heartbreak with stranger sex. It doesn't exactly work for him.
Spoilers: Post- Episode 4.12 "Benefits"
Beta: None. If you spot anything glaring, please let me know.
Dedicated with love to my DBW ladies (you know who you are! Woo!), even if this isn't your primary fandom and to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
idioticonion for saying it was the sweetest, dirty smut she's ever read.
"Unnngggghhhh!"
The fake-breasted brunette thrashed around his cock, whipping her hair around her head like some freaked-out hippie at a rock concert. In all honesty, the hair whipping thing probably wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been for the high-pitched screeching and porn star sound effects.
"Uh! Uh! Oh fuck! Barney! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Harder!"
He half heartedly pumped his hips upwards and felt her slick pussy clench around his cock. He dug his fingernails into her hips as the slutty bimbo's refrain got louder and louder and he could sense she was nearing orgasm. He tried not to think about how fake she sounded, how her boobs really didn't bounce or swing when she humped him, how she wasn't Robin.
Robin made more of a purring noise when she was getting fucked into a delicious, hedonistic oblivion. It sounded a bit like a moan that had an upgraded vibrate function. It was seriously the most awesome noise he had ever heard in his life and he would give anything to hear those noises from her again. True story.
What the fuck had he been thinking trying to say that he loved her? Out loud? After she mentioned Ted's name? God, if he wasn't currently fucking a pussy, he would feel like one.
"Barney! Uh! Uh! Fuck!!"
Her ass slapped against his thighs in a short, staccato rhythm and Barney felt his balls draw in closer to his body. He reached up and pinched one of her hardened, plum-colored nipples. The woman arched her back and emitted a primal scream as her orgasm ruptured through her. Her slick fluids coated his lap and he unloaded his own spunk, coating the thin membrane of the latex condom.
The woman above him--was it Vivian? Violet? Beth?--grinned seductively and slipped off his lap. She maneuvered herself so that her dripping pussy was sticking right into his face. Her fingers deftly pulled off the condom, tied a knot in the top, and tossed the offending item into the trash can beside the bed. He had to admit that for a moron, she had a pretty good shot. Her lips wrapped around his softening dick and her tongue flicked against the underside of the head as if urging him to get hard again.
Barney narrowed his eyes, not feeling remotely interested in anything else this girl had to offer. His fingers curled into her hair and he pulled her off his lap. "All right, Ellen, it's time for you to go home."
The girl looked offended and she stuck out her bottom lip, pouting. "It's Evelyn."
Barney shrugged. "You could be Jenna Jameson for all I care. You're still leaving."
"Well, you're still a…rude jerk," Evelyn pouted. But despite her frustration, she rolled off the bed, collected her things, and stormed out of his apartment.
Barney exhaled sharply as the door slammed and he grabbed his iPhone off the night stand, pressing the speed dial button for the woman he couldn't stop thinking about.
"Hey Robin, wanna meet me at the pub for some scotch and some dirty story telling? Seriously, I boned this six tonight and you will not believe how noisy she was. It was like a bad porno, I tell you."
He could hear her giggling on the other end and he knew that within twenty minutes, they would be shooting the shit, drinking some killer liquor, and he would pretend that he wasn't a lovesick puppy. It was gonna be awf-some.
Author: snogged
Disclaimer: Carter Bays and Craig Thomas own How I Met Your Mother. I don't. Please don't sue.
Pairing: Barney/Other Female, implied Barney/Robin
Word Count: 585
Rating: NC-17/FRAO; for explicit sex, adult language
Summary: Barney tries to ease the pain of heartbreak with stranger sex. It doesn't exactly work for him.
Spoilers: Post- Episode 4.12 "Benefits"
Beta: None. If you spot anything glaring, please let me know.
Dedicated with love to my DBW ladies (you know who you are! Woo!), even if this isn't your primary fandom and to
idioticonion for saying it was the sweetest, dirty smut she's ever read."Unnngggghhhh!"
The fake-breasted brunette thrashed around his cock, whipping her hair around her head like some freaked-out hippie at a rock concert. In all honesty, the hair whipping thing probably wouldn't have been so bad if it hadn't been for the high-pitched screeching and porn star sound effects.
"Uh! Uh! Oh fuck! Barney! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Harder!"
He half heartedly pumped his hips upwards and felt her slick pussy clench around his cock. He dug his fingernails into her hips as the slutty bimbo's refrain got louder and louder and he could sense she was nearing orgasm. He tried not to think about how fake she sounded, how her boobs really didn't bounce or swing when she humped him, how she wasn't Robin.
Robin made more of a purring noise when she was getting fucked into a delicious, hedonistic oblivion. It sounded a bit like a moan that had an upgraded vibrate function. It was seriously the most awesome noise he had ever heard in his life and he would give anything to hear those noises from her again. True story.
What the fuck had he been thinking trying to say that he loved her? Out loud? After she mentioned Ted's name? God, if he wasn't currently fucking a pussy, he would feel like one.
"Barney! Uh! Uh! Fuck!!"
Her ass slapped against his thighs in a short, staccato rhythm and Barney felt his balls draw in closer to his body. He reached up and pinched one of her hardened, plum-colored nipples. The woman arched her back and emitted a primal scream as her orgasm ruptured through her. Her slick fluids coated his lap and he unloaded his own spunk, coating the thin membrane of the latex condom.
The woman above him--was it Vivian? Violet? Beth?--grinned seductively and slipped off his lap. She maneuvered herself so that her dripping pussy was sticking right into his face. Her fingers deftly pulled off the condom, tied a knot in the top, and tossed the offending item into the trash can beside the bed. He had to admit that for a moron, she had a pretty good shot. Her lips wrapped around his softening dick and her tongue flicked against the underside of the head as if urging him to get hard again.
Barney narrowed his eyes, not feeling remotely interested in anything else this girl had to offer. His fingers curled into her hair and he pulled her off his lap. "All right, Ellen, it's time for you to go home."
The girl looked offended and she stuck out her bottom lip, pouting. "It's Evelyn."
Barney shrugged. "You could be Jenna Jameson for all I care. You're still leaving."
"Well, you're still a…rude jerk," Evelyn pouted. But despite her frustration, she rolled off the bed, collected her things, and stormed out of his apartment.
Barney exhaled sharply as the door slammed and he grabbed his iPhone off the night stand, pressing the speed dial button for the woman he couldn't stop thinking about.
"Hey Robin, wanna meet me at the pub for some scotch and some dirty story telling? Seriously, I boned this six tonight and you will not believe how noisy she was. It was like a bad porno, I tell you."
He could hear her giggling on the other end and he knew that within twenty minutes, they would be shooting the shit, drinking some killer liquor, and he would pretend that he wasn't a lovesick puppy. It was gonna be awf-some.