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snoggedTitle: Friends With Benefucks
Authors:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
snogged, lilithisbitter, and roland44
Disclaimer: Carter Bays and Craig Thomas own How I Met Your Mother. I don’t. Please don’t sue.
Pairing: Barney/Ted, implications for Ted/Robin
Word Count: 3264
Rating: NC-17/FRAO; for slash, rimming, anal, public-ish sex, and adult language (including sexual slurs)
Spoilers: Season 2 (set after Robin tells Ted she loves him)
Summary: Barney and Ted have hot smutty sex. That’s all you need to know ;)
Beta: None. Please point out any spelling/grammar errors.
A/N: Inspired by this Conspiracy Theory discussion atidioticonion’s LJ
"Barney! She said it back to me!"
"She- whaaa?"
Barney almost drops the bottle of beer in his hand in shock.
Ted blushed, repeating softly, "She said she loves me...she finally said it..."
No way no way no way - there was NO WAY she'd - how could she - and why would she –
"But Ted- what about- and what we, you know, did-"
He knows they aren't supposed to bring it up. But he can't help it. Ted's his bro and his...his...
His brain flashes back to the painting day. The day where the hard definition of his muscles, the curve of his legs, the blue tint of his eyes had been immortalized on canvas.
The day where Lily wasn't the only one who got an eyeful of Barnacle Jr. And damn, if Ted hadn't been impressed by his thick column (What up!)
The picture... that damn picture with its incredible lack of his Barship Enterherprise. He didn't blame Lily... much. After all, the sight of the wonders he kept in his pants must have blown her little mind. He's not affected (or was that effected? He could never tell) by this, he'll rise above it. Aw, who the hell is he kidding? It sucks big time.
No...wait...Ted sucks big time. Ted sucks like a Hoover.
His eyelashes flutter as he remembers and he grips the cushion of the bar seat, feeling it give under his fingers.
"You okay there, buddy?" Ted asks, seeing the flush in Barney's cheeks.
"No, dude...it's..." Barney chokes, swallowing down the lump in his throat. He wants to lean over the table and shake Ted. Shake Ted for being an idiot, for falling in love, for...for...fuck...for being Ted.
"It's what?" Ted asks softly, leaning his head against his hands. He wants to make Barney say it. Wants to make Barney say that he doesn't want Ted to go falling in love. Wants to make Barney babble on about some violation of the Bro Code. Wants to see if he can wiggle through Barney's armor long enough to score another go at the engorged flesh dangling between Barney's thighs.
"I-I-I..." Barney stutters before scowling. "Oh, it's nothing. Cocking... chocking. I mean, chocking."
It's funny to watch Barney stumble over words like that, only to have them fall out of his hands with their long graceful fingers. Fingers that felt really good when wrapped around lower more fun parts. "Drink?"
"Yes, please," Barney says, flushed in the face the exact way he was when Ted deep-throated him. Come to think of it, that was exactly the way the way he looked right before he finger-fucked him. "I tell you, I've got a story that will get any girl in my pants for the aww factor."
Barney Avoidance Maneuver Number 1902. Best course of action, play along. "Okay, what's the story?"
"I'm a former child doctor; I had leukemia twice as a child and decided to become a doctor." He stirs his drink with his thumb, his face almost becoming shy, fluttering his eyelashes coyly. "Now all I want is love and all the things I skipped out as a kid." He smiles, the illusion broken. "What do you think?"
"God, that's hot..."
Ted shakes himself. Did he really say that out loud?
"I mean...God, that's NOT going to work! Who survives leukemia *twice* anyway?"
Ted tries to pull off a cynical scoff before taking a swig of his beer, failing miserably because all he can think of as he tips his head back to drink are his lips sliding over Barney's dick, his fingers gripping his hips and sliding up the chiseled, taut torso and sinking into the flesh of his tight ass.
He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to picture Robin naked, writhing under him and entwined in his sheets and his bleach-stained blue sweater and Barney's blue eyes and -
What's WRONG with him?! Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin...
Robin... Robin in the corner, watching, her mouth curled around one of those cigars she and Barney love so much, her panties shoved aside to reveal the moist folds of labia at the apex of her thighs. Her fingers work at her erect clitoris briefly before they slide down and in. "Beautiful," she breathes out as Ted's tongue slides along Barney's foreskin, moving it up and over and down the head of his erection. "Fuck him, Ted. For me."
No wait, Robin wasn't even there. It was Barney, pacing around bare pickle in Lily and Marshall's bedroom, whining about the painting. And then he kissed Barney to get him to shut up, which was when Barnacle Jr. popped up to say hello and apparently request a kiss too.
No, no, bad Ted. "Seriously, I was like lucky and stuff and relapsed once, so, duh," Barney says, "Besides cutlets are stupid. See that one? I'm going to tell her about my sad little story."
"You do that," Ted says.
Barney will be back. Obviously he doesn't know a pre-med student when he sees one so why should Ted tell him. Maybe he'll need comfort of the sexual kind. No... Robin... no, Robin would like it, she liked it the last time... no that was just fantasy Robin.
The Barney voice in his head suddenly speaks up and he has no idea why a Barney voice is still in his head. "But may-be." That's how inner Barney says it. Drawing out the maybe even longer. Damn him for making him want him even more.
Stupid sexy Barney.
It goes exactly like Ted predicted.
Emphasis on the word: exactly.
The hot med school cutlet totally throws a drink in his face and Ted crows with smug delight as Barney walks back towards him, shoulders hunched slightly as his lips twitch from defeat.
He thinks about fantasy Robin and then thinks about the bathroom. He would bet a gazillion dollars that fantasy Robin would totally approve of him dragging Barney into the stall to appropriately remove that sad puppy dog look of defeat.
It is what a good bro would do after all.
"Barney, bathroom. We'll get you fixed up in no time and then I'm sure you'll find a woman with a much less functional IQ..." or you'll just be content to wrap those pretty lips around my cock and you can teach me all kinds of way to live.
Mmmmmmmmm.....
Without a word or a snarky remark, Barney follows. A knowing fire already burning in his eyes.
Why pick a bimbo when Ted is so ready to ride the Barney train to Tasty Town?
With Ted in the game, Barney's options are vastly improved.
He's also freshly waxed for the occasion of getting some. It's common courtesy. After all, who wants to pick pubic hair out of their teeth after going down on somebody? It was funny seeing Ted pick blond pubes out of his teeth discreetly the whole day after. Trying not to let Robin notice, but he knows Robin's a dirty girl and she noticed those curlies. He knows what she likes. Get a Canadian drunk and not only will she turn uber-Canadian, she'll divulge her love of Devil's Threesomes. Not the lame ones, but the awesome bisexual ones.
He's skipping all the way to the bathroom and not trying to hide it. To hell with bros and bro code tonight. Barney Stinson is getting laid.
Ted grins, mischief twinkling in his eyes as he tugs Barney into the stall on the far end. He knows there are germs and bacteria caked into the grout and the smell of bleach assaults his nostrils.
But when he leans into Barney, lips brushing over the column of his neck, the smell changes. Hard and musky, spice and testosterone.
"God, I wanna fuck you..." Ted murmurs, experimentally flicking his tongue against the hollow of Barney's throat.
Barney groans, head rolling against the steel partition of the stall. Ted's hands, lips...shit, not even touching him yet and his dick is already threatening to punch a hole through the fabric of his pants.
He pushes forward, catching Ted's thigh between his legs, rutting against him.
Ted smirks, feeling an overwhelming sense of power curl through him. He's never been with anyone this desperate, this needy, this wanting and it makes him feel heady, makes him feel in control.
He unbuttons Barney's shirt rather than hear him whine when he rips the buttons off. It's easy enough to unbuckle Barney's belt, unbutton his slacks to loosen them enough he can slide a hand down the back, past Barney's boxers, and cup a bare asscheek. "Nice," Ted says, smirk only widening.
"Isn't it. That's why I'm your best friend." Barney preens, tilting the long neck back for Ted to dart in and suck on his Adam’s apple. "Mmmm, motherfucking yes." Barney's never been one to watch his mouth.
It's a column, a perfect column of neck. He never knew it, but his obsession with columns all came down to Barney. Ted licks it, his tongue rasping over nearly invisible blond beard stubble. Barney's moans are music to his ears and the hard cock grinding against his jeans is the cherry on the sundae of ohgodyesharderfasterthere. "You're my best bitch," Ted says before sucking in skin and leaving a mark for everyone to see. He's not as talented as Barney is with his tongue, otherwise the hickey would be in the shape of the words 'Property of Theodore Evelyn Mosby.' "Best bitch in the world."
Barney's hands suddenly wrap around Ted's erect, dripping prick, which he has somehow eased out of Ted's unzipped pants (when did they become unzipped?) and is stroking, before he leans in to let his perfect navel (everything with Barney is perfectly awesome) graze against the cock-head. "I'll be the best bitch you ever had," he promises, grinning wildly, licking the side of Ted's face, which should have been gross, but oddly enough, wasn't.
Barney's tongue is that talented. Of course it would be.
Ted groans, leaning his pelvis forward, lining his cock up with Barney's, pressing Barney's hand between them, letting Barney feel the skating glide of his knuckles against his own prick.
Barney whimpers incoherently, feeling the weight of his suit coat on his shoulders. Heavy, constricting. He wants contact. More contact. His cock twitches and leaps against Ted's and he wants more...more...more.
"Dude, it's getting hot here."
He shifts, imperceptibly, sliding the coat off his shoulders and letting it fall.
The soft plunk of fine Italian hitting water doesn't even penetrate his mind. Penetrate...God...
"Ted..."
He shifts around in the tight space, sliding past Ted, taking away their connection. He straddles the toilet seat, placing his hands on the wall.
Ted smiles, proud of his little whore. So eager to get fucked. He spits onto his fingers, presses them to the tight little pucker and pushes his way inside.
Barney's eyes focus on the seat, on the water, on the...fuck!
"Ted..."
"Yeah Barney?"
"My four thousand dollar jacket," Barney babbles, pointing at the jacket. His eyes are wide, blue pools of miserable. Barney's way too good at sad face. "I let it drop into the toilet. It's filthy now."
Stupid time for Barney to come up with something to whine about when Ted's got three fingers up his ass. "Barney, you have a whole roomful of suits."
"Theodore," Barney admonishes, even with his shirt open, and his tie hanging around his neck, and his slacks hanging open with his cock erect and ready, "That's like cruel to my suits." Great now he's gone sluttish to whiny sluttish. How to shut him up? Right. Tie. He pulls his fingers out of Barney and grabs it. "Hey, Ted, what are you doing? Say sorry to my jacket."
"Okay, just shut up now, Barnacle," Ted says and gags him with the silk.
He can hear Barney grumbling, something about mistreatment of a tie. Who cares? Ted drops to his knees, pinning Barney's hands behind him with one hand and pulling those pinstriped slacks and red boxers down to his ankles. He kisses the base of Barney's spine before sliding his tongue down right there to the perfect pink hole. Barney gurgles in pleasure and surprise, his spine arching backwards.
Fantasy Robin has somehow settled behind and strokes Ted's hair in encouragement. "Fuck him with your tongue," she says and Ted does, pushing his tongue past the ring of tight muscle.
"Lube's in my back pocket, condoms too," Barney manages to say. He's managed to spit the makeshift gag on and is looking over his shoulder at the same time he's grinding his backside onto Ted's face. "Sometimes you meet a girl who's either adventurous or a little dry. Or you score with a dude," he pants, "Either way; it's awesome, bro with benefucks."
Ted's tongue performs one more experimental swirl before he's satisfied. Barney barely has a chance to blink before something else presses against his pucker...not fingers, not tongue...mmmhgghh...
The foil package rips easily in Ted's fingers and he rolls the condom on, feeling the latex snap snugly around him.
Bros with benefucks. He likes it, it's funny, even makes him chuckle.
Barney groans, gritting his teeth as the tip of Ted's dick pushes inside, pressuring the ring of muscles to stretch and accommodate. A colorful streak of curses leaves his lips and his head arches back as he bears down.
Ted's lips brush against Barney's spine, smiling against the skin.
And fantasy!Robin smiles widely, fingers trailing down his shoulder. "Fuck him, baby. Fuck him for me. Fuck him because you love me."
His thigh muscles clench as he pulls out slightly before thrusting back inside, hitting that sweet spot on the upstroke and feeling Barney tremble and shake underneath him.
Barney whimpers, eyes drawing back to the soaking Armani. "My suit...my suit...my...fuck!!" The heat curls inside his belly like a snake, coiling tightly inside him, making his balls heavy with ache as they draw up towards his pubic bone.
Ted grins, damn right Barney's gonna forget about the suit!!
He makes his mark on the back of Barney's throat, nuzzling the sweat damp hair at the back of his neck. Barney keeps his hair cropped short, only an inch long on the lower half of his head, but the longer pieces at the crown of his head are starting to show curly sections here and cowlicks there.
Barney's a work of art all right. Fantasy Robin mimics drawing over Barney's upper back and he can almost see it, Barney's once-long hair clumped together and clinging to his back, the tips slightly flipped up at the ends, but mostly stick straight from the weight pulling the curls out. "Doesn't he look good when you're fucking him?" she asks, running non-existent fingers across Barney's still shirt-clad back.
"Fuck, Ted," Barney grunts out when Ted nibbles on his earlobe before finding a thin scar running behind the ear and he'd bet anything there's another behind his right ear to match. He catalogs that to ask Barney later. "That's good."
Ted slides Barney's shirt off him, licking over the lines of those narrow shoulders, increasing his thrusts when Barney's moaning increased. He drops the shirt to suffer the same fate as the jacket. No love lost, he thinks the suit is an overpriced piece of crap and Barney doesn't look good in brown and burnt orange pinstripe with a lighter orange-brown shirt underneath. Barney should thank him for this, really.
The instant Barney opens his mouth to complain, Ted draws his tongue up Barney's spine, sucking the bump each bone makes before sliding up again. Thrusting and sucking. Barney forgets whatever complaint is in his mind.
Fantasy Robin leans in to observe where Ted's cock is disappearing into Barney's clenching hole. "When he comes," she says, smiling eagerly and he can almost smell the musk of her arousal and he hopes that Real Robin is this open, "Catch his spunk in your hand and make him eat it, lick it from your hand."
Ted nods and cups the head of Barney's erection with his hand. Barney's cock bumps up against his palm over and over, smearing clear pre-ejaculate over it. Barney's close and so fucking amazing in nothing but his pants and underwear drawn down to his ankles and trapped by his socks and shoes.
Ted squeezes the tip of Barney's cock, thumb nail pushing against the slit as his fingers skate over the thick veins. Barney's hips buck, his back muscles undulate.
Ted sped up his pace, pummeling Barney's insides with reckless abandon, wanting to feel the sticky, warm juices coat his fingers, wanting to feel the tentative touch of Barney's lips sucking and slurping as he tastes himself.
He squeezes his eyes shut, blocking out Fantasy!Robin for a moment. Wants to love the body he's with, wants to feel the body he's in explode around him. Can't let Robin see that. Can't let her...
The rising tide of his excitement grows and spins inside of him until the pressure is too big, too much...(bang!) The wave of ecstasy curls his toes and he shudders as he comes, coating the latex and feeling it soak back into his skin.
Barney comes with him- thick white spunk coating flesh, muscle, floor, the remains of the suit.
It's heady, dizzying, and reality seems out of his grasp.
Ted presses his stomach against Barney's back, one hand wrapping around his waist to keep him steady and the other gliding up to Barney's lips. Barney doesn't even argue as he licks off the essence of raw sex.
Barney sighs contentedly, feeling the comfort of Ted' weight on top of him.
"Dude...what am I gonna wear out of the bar?"
Ted unzips his Ever hoodie to reveal the sweaty t-shirt under it. The hoodie is oxblood colored and would look amazing next to Barney's still sex-flushed skin and blond hair. He slips out of it and pulls Barney's noodle-like arms through it before cleaning his belly and thighs with a handful of toilet paper. His belly is still sticky, but much cleaner and Ted eases his limp dick out of Barney, before knotting the condom and putting it in the wad of t.p. to throw away once they exit. "This isn't a suit," Barney observes, plucking at the hoodie, his slacks still down around his ankles.
"It's a hoodie," Ted says, hauling Barney's pants and underwear back around his skinny waist and hips.
"Dude, I know what a hoodie is," Barney says, sniffing one of the sleeves as Ted zips it up around him and pulls the hood up so people won't see Barney still licking his lips.
He has a sated, well-fucked look to him and it makes Ted proud he it put it there. Now to get him cleaned up even better. They can take a long, soaking bath and have bathsex. Barney's skinny enough to fit between his thighs. And there's always their inflatable pool for roofsex.
Damn, this is getting complicated. More complicated by the fact that post-fucked Barney is amused by the zipper on his borrowed hoodie. "Up and down. Up and down." Barney giggles.
Ted shrugs, ushering them back into the bar, watching Barney flash the room a sleazy, adorable smile that says: dudes...sex god, right here. I rock the softest brand of armor.
He thinks of fantasy!Robin and can't help but think she approves.
Now, he just has to deal with explaining to real Robin, and real Marshall, and real Lily why Barney's wearing his hoodie.
Hmmm...that could be a fun story...
Authors:
snogged, lilithisbitter, and roland44Disclaimer: Carter Bays and Craig Thomas own How I Met Your Mother. I don’t. Please don’t sue.
Pairing: Barney/Ted, implications for Ted/Robin
Word Count: 3264
Rating: NC-17/FRAO; for slash, rimming, anal, public-ish sex, and adult language (including sexual slurs)
Spoilers: Season 2 (set after Robin tells Ted she loves him)
Summary: Barney and Ted have hot smutty sex. That’s all you need to know ;)
Beta: None. Please point out any spelling/grammar errors.
A/N: Inspired by this Conspiracy Theory discussion at
idioticonion’s LJ "Barney! She said it back to me!"
"She- whaaa?"
Barney almost drops the bottle of beer in his hand in shock.
Ted blushed, repeating softly, "She said she loves me...she finally said it..."
No way no way no way - there was NO WAY she'd - how could she - and why would she –
"But Ted- what about- and what we, you know, did-"
He knows they aren't supposed to bring it up. But he can't help it. Ted's his bro and his...his...
His brain flashes back to the painting day. The day where the hard definition of his muscles, the curve of his legs, the blue tint of his eyes had been immortalized on canvas.
The day where Lily wasn't the only one who got an eyeful of Barnacle Jr. And damn, if Ted hadn't been impressed by his thick column (What up!)
The picture... that damn picture with its incredible lack of his Barship Enterherprise. He didn't blame Lily... much. After all, the sight of the wonders he kept in his pants must have blown her little mind. He's not affected (or was that effected? He could never tell) by this, he'll rise above it. Aw, who the hell is he kidding? It sucks big time.
No...wait...Ted sucks big time. Ted sucks like a Hoover.
His eyelashes flutter as he remembers and he grips the cushion of the bar seat, feeling it give under his fingers.
"You okay there, buddy?" Ted asks, seeing the flush in Barney's cheeks.
"No, dude...it's..." Barney chokes, swallowing down the lump in his throat. He wants to lean over the table and shake Ted. Shake Ted for being an idiot, for falling in love, for...for...fuck...for being Ted.
"It's what?" Ted asks softly, leaning his head against his hands. He wants to make Barney say it. Wants to make Barney say that he doesn't want Ted to go falling in love. Wants to make Barney babble on about some violation of the Bro Code. Wants to see if he can wiggle through Barney's armor long enough to score another go at the engorged flesh dangling between Barney's thighs.
"I-I-I..." Barney stutters before scowling. "Oh, it's nothing. Cocking... chocking. I mean, chocking."
It's funny to watch Barney stumble over words like that, only to have them fall out of his hands with their long graceful fingers. Fingers that felt really good when wrapped around lower more fun parts. "Drink?"
"Yes, please," Barney says, flushed in the face the exact way he was when Ted deep-throated him. Come to think of it, that was exactly the way the way he looked right before he finger-fucked him. "I tell you, I've got a story that will get any girl in my pants for the aww factor."
Barney Avoidance Maneuver Number 1902. Best course of action, play along. "Okay, what's the story?"
"I'm a former child doctor; I had leukemia twice as a child and decided to become a doctor." He stirs his drink with his thumb, his face almost becoming shy, fluttering his eyelashes coyly. "Now all I want is love and all the things I skipped out as a kid." He smiles, the illusion broken. "What do you think?"
"God, that's hot..."
Ted shakes himself. Did he really say that out loud?
"I mean...God, that's NOT going to work! Who survives leukemia *twice* anyway?"
Ted tries to pull off a cynical scoff before taking a swig of his beer, failing miserably because all he can think of as he tips his head back to drink are his lips sliding over Barney's dick, his fingers gripping his hips and sliding up the chiseled, taut torso and sinking into the flesh of his tight ass.
He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to picture Robin naked, writhing under him and entwined in his sheets and his bleach-stained blue sweater and Barney's blue eyes and -
What's WRONG with him?! Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin...
Robin... Robin in the corner, watching, her mouth curled around one of those cigars she and Barney love so much, her panties shoved aside to reveal the moist folds of labia at the apex of her thighs. Her fingers work at her erect clitoris briefly before they slide down and in. "Beautiful," she breathes out as Ted's tongue slides along Barney's foreskin, moving it up and over and down the head of his erection. "Fuck him, Ted. For me."
No wait, Robin wasn't even there. It was Barney, pacing around bare pickle in Lily and Marshall's bedroom, whining about the painting. And then he kissed Barney to get him to shut up, which was when Barnacle Jr. popped up to say hello and apparently request a kiss too.
No, no, bad Ted. "Seriously, I was like lucky and stuff and relapsed once, so, duh," Barney says, "Besides cutlets are stupid. See that one? I'm going to tell her about my sad little story."
"You do that," Ted says.
Barney will be back. Obviously he doesn't know a pre-med student when he sees one so why should Ted tell him. Maybe he'll need comfort of the sexual kind. No... Robin... no, Robin would like it, she liked it the last time... no that was just fantasy Robin.
The Barney voice in his head suddenly speaks up and he has no idea why a Barney voice is still in his head. "But may-be." That's how inner Barney says it. Drawing out the maybe even longer. Damn him for making him want him even more.
Stupid sexy Barney.
It goes exactly like Ted predicted.
Emphasis on the word: exactly.
The hot med school cutlet totally throws a drink in his face and Ted crows with smug delight as Barney walks back towards him, shoulders hunched slightly as his lips twitch from defeat.
He thinks about fantasy Robin and then thinks about the bathroom. He would bet a gazillion dollars that fantasy Robin would totally approve of him dragging Barney into the stall to appropriately remove that sad puppy dog look of defeat.
It is what a good bro would do after all.
"Barney, bathroom. We'll get you fixed up in no time and then I'm sure you'll find a woman with a much less functional IQ..." or you'll just be content to wrap those pretty lips around my cock and you can teach me all kinds of way to live.
Mmmmmmmmm.....
Without a word or a snarky remark, Barney follows. A knowing fire already burning in his eyes.
Why pick a bimbo when Ted is so ready to ride the Barney train to Tasty Town?
With Ted in the game, Barney's options are vastly improved.
He's also freshly waxed for the occasion of getting some. It's common courtesy. After all, who wants to pick pubic hair out of their teeth after going down on somebody? It was funny seeing Ted pick blond pubes out of his teeth discreetly the whole day after. Trying not to let Robin notice, but he knows Robin's a dirty girl and she noticed those curlies. He knows what she likes. Get a Canadian drunk and not only will she turn uber-Canadian, she'll divulge her love of Devil's Threesomes. Not the lame ones, but the awesome bisexual ones.
He's skipping all the way to the bathroom and not trying to hide it. To hell with bros and bro code tonight. Barney Stinson is getting laid.
Ted grins, mischief twinkling in his eyes as he tugs Barney into the stall on the far end. He knows there are germs and bacteria caked into the grout and the smell of bleach assaults his nostrils.
But when he leans into Barney, lips brushing over the column of his neck, the smell changes. Hard and musky, spice and testosterone.
"God, I wanna fuck you..." Ted murmurs, experimentally flicking his tongue against the hollow of Barney's throat.
Barney groans, head rolling against the steel partition of the stall. Ted's hands, lips...shit, not even touching him yet and his dick is already threatening to punch a hole through the fabric of his pants.
He pushes forward, catching Ted's thigh between his legs, rutting against him.
Ted smirks, feeling an overwhelming sense of power curl through him. He's never been with anyone this desperate, this needy, this wanting and it makes him feel heady, makes him feel in control.
He unbuttons Barney's shirt rather than hear him whine when he rips the buttons off. It's easy enough to unbuckle Barney's belt, unbutton his slacks to loosen them enough he can slide a hand down the back, past Barney's boxers, and cup a bare asscheek. "Nice," Ted says, smirk only widening.
"Isn't it. That's why I'm your best friend." Barney preens, tilting the long neck back for Ted to dart in and suck on his Adam’s apple. "Mmmm, motherfucking yes." Barney's never been one to watch his mouth.
It's a column, a perfect column of neck. He never knew it, but his obsession with columns all came down to Barney. Ted licks it, his tongue rasping over nearly invisible blond beard stubble. Barney's moans are music to his ears and the hard cock grinding against his jeans is the cherry on the sundae of ohgodyesharderfasterthere. "You're my best bitch," Ted says before sucking in skin and leaving a mark for everyone to see. He's not as talented as Barney is with his tongue, otherwise the hickey would be in the shape of the words 'Property of Theodore Evelyn Mosby.' "Best bitch in the world."
Barney's hands suddenly wrap around Ted's erect, dripping prick, which he has somehow eased out of Ted's unzipped pants (when did they become unzipped?) and is stroking, before he leans in to let his perfect navel (everything with Barney is perfectly awesome) graze against the cock-head. "I'll be the best bitch you ever had," he promises, grinning wildly, licking the side of Ted's face, which should have been gross, but oddly enough, wasn't.
Barney's tongue is that talented. Of course it would be.
Ted groans, leaning his pelvis forward, lining his cock up with Barney's, pressing Barney's hand between them, letting Barney feel the skating glide of his knuckles against his own prick.
Barney whimpers incoherently, feeling the weight of his suit coat on his shoulders. Heavy, constricting. He wants contact. More contact. His cock twitches and leaps against Ted's and he wants more...more...more.
"Dude, it's getting hot here."
He shifts, imperceptibly, sliding the coat off his shoulders and letting it fall.
The soft plunk of fine Italian hitting water doesn't even penetrate his mind. Penetrate...God...
"Ted..."
He shifts around in the tight space, sliding past Ted, taking away their connection. He straddles the toilet seat, placing his hands on the wall.
Ted smiles, proud of his little whore. So eager to get fucked. He spits onto his fingers, presses them to the tight little pucker and pushes his way inside.
Barney's eyes focus on the seat, on the water, on the...fuck!
"Ted..."
"Yeah Barney?"
"My four thousand dollar jacket," Barney babbles, pointing at the jacket. His eyes are wide, blue pools of miserable. Barney's way too good at sad face. "I let it drop into the toilet. It's filthy now."
Stupid time for Barney to come up with something to whine about when Ted's got three fingers up his ass. "Barney, you have a whole roomful of suits."
"Theodore," Barney admonishes, even with his shirt open, and his tie hanging around his neck, and his slacks hanging open with his cock erect and ready, "That's like cruel to my suits." Great now he's gone sluttish to whiny sluttish. How to shut him up? Right. Tie. He pulls his fingers out of Barney and grabs it. "Hey, Ted, what are you doing? Say sorry to my jacket."
"Okay, just shut up now, Barnacle," Ted says and gags him with the silk.
He can hear Barney grumbling, something about mistreatment of a tie. Who cares? Ted drops to his knees, pinning Barney's hands behind him with one hand and pulling those pinstriped slacks and red boxers down to his ankles. He kisses the base of Barney's spine before sliding his tongue down right there to the perfect pink hole. Barney gurgles in pleasure and surprise, his spine arching backwards.
Fantasy Robin has somehow settled behind and strokes Ted's hair in encouragement. "Fuck him with your tongue," she says and Ted does, pushing his tongue past the ring of tight muscle.
"Lube's in my back pocket, condoms too," Barney manages to say. He's managed to spit the makeshift gag on and is looking over his shoulder at the same time he's grinding his backside onto Ted's face. "Sometimes you meet a girl who's either adventurous or a little dry. Or you score with a dude," he pants, "Either way; it's awesome, bro with benefucks."
Ted's tongue performs one more experimental swirl before he's satisfied. Barney barely has a chance to blink before something else presses against his pucker...not fingers, not tongue...mmmhgghh...
The foil package rips easily in Ted's fingers and he rolls the condom on, feeling the latex snap snugly around him.
Bros with benefucks. He likes it, it's funny, even makes him chuckle.
Barney groans, gritting his teeth as the tip of Ted's dick pushes inside, pressuring the ring of muscles to stretch and accommodate. A colorful streak of curses leaves his lips and his head arches back as he bears down.
Ted's lips brush against Barney's spine, smiling against the skin.
And fantasy!Robin smiles widely, fingers trailing down his shoulder. "Fuck him, baby. Fuck him for me. Fuck him because you love me."
His thigh muscles clench as he pulls out slightly before thrusting back inside, hitting that sweet spot on the upstroke and feeling Barney tremble and shake underneath him.
Barney whimpers, eyes drawing back to the soaking Armani. "My suit...my suit...my...fuck!!" The heat curls inside his belly like a snake, coiling tightly inside him, making his balls heavy with ache as they draw up towards his pubic bone.
Ted grins, damn right Barney's gonna forget about the suit!!
He makes his mark on the back of Barney's throat, nuzzling the sweat damp hair at the back of his neck. Barney keeps his hair cropped short, only an inch long on the lower half of his head, but the longer pieces at the crown of his head are starting to show curly sections here and cowlicks there.
Barney's a work of art all right. Fantasy Robin mimics drawing over Barney's upper back and he can almost see it, Barney's once-long hair clumped together and clinging to his back, the tips slightly flipped up at the ends, but mostly stick straight from the weight pulling the curls out. "Doesn't he look good when you're fucking him?" she asks, running non-existent fingers across Barney's still shirt-clad back.
"Fuck, Ted," Barney grunts out when Ted nibbles on his earlobe before finding a thin scar running behind the ear and he'd bet anything there's another behind his right ear to match. He catalogs that to ask Barney later. "That's good."
Ted slides Barney's shirt off him, licking over the lines of those narrow shoulders, increasing his thrusts when Barney's moaning increased. He drops the shirt to suffer the same fate as the jacket. No love lost, he thinks the suit is an overpriced piece of crap and Barney doesn't look good in brown and burnt orange pinstripe with a lighter orange-brown shirt underneath. Barney should thank him for this, really.
The instant Barney opens his mouth to complain, Ted draws his tongue up Barney's spine, sucking the bump each bone makes before sliding up again. Thrusting and sucking. Barney forgets whatever complaint is in his mind.
Fantasy Robin leans in to observe where Ted's cock is disappearing into Barney's clenching hole. "When he comes," she says, smiling eagerly and he can almost smell the musk of her arousal and he hopes that Real Robin is this open, "Catch his spunk in your hand and make him eat it, lick it from your hand."
Ted nods and cups the head of Barney's erection with his hand. Barney's cock bumps up against his palm over and over, smearing clear pre-ejaculate over it. Barney's close and so fucking amazing in nothing but his pants and underwear drawn down to his ankles and trapped by his socks and shoes.
Ted squeezes the tip of Barney's cock, thumb nail pushing against the slit as his fingers skate over the thick veins. Barney's hips buck, his back muscles undulate.
Ted sped up his pace, pummeling Barney's insides with reckless abandon, wanting to feel the sticky, warm juices coat his fingers, wanting to feel the tentative touch of Barney's lips sucking and slurping as he tastes himself.
He squeezes his eyes shut, blocking out Fantasy!Robin for a moment. Wants to love the body he's with, wants to feel the body he's in explode around him. Can't let Robin see that. Can't let her...
The rising tide of his excitement grows and spins inside of him until the pressure is too big, too much...(bang!) The wave of ecstasy curls his toes and he shudders as he comes, coating the latex and feeling it soak back into his skin.
Barney comes with him- thick white spunk coating flesh, muscle, floor, the remains of the suit.
It's heady, dizzying, and reality seems out of his grasp.
Ted presses his stomach against Barney's back, one hand wrapping around his waist to keep him steady and the other gliding up to Barney's lips. Barney doesn't even argue as he licks off the essence of raw sex.
Barney sighs contentedly, feeling the comfort of Ted' weight on top of him.
"Dude...what am I gonna wear out of the bar?"
Ted unzips his Ever hoodie to reveal the sweaty t-shirt under it. The hoodie is oxblood colored and would look amazing next to Barney's still sex-flushed skin and blond hair. He slips out of it and pulls Barney's noodle-like arms through it before cleaning his belly and thighs with a handful of toilet paper. His belly is still sticky, but much cleaner and Ted eases his limp dick out of Barney, before knotting the condom and putting it in the wad of t.p. to throw away once they exit. "This isn't a suit," Barney observes, plucking at the hoodie, his slacks still down around his ankles.
"It's a hoodie," Ted says, hauling Barney's pants and underwear back around his skinny waist and hips.
"Dude, I know what a hoodie is," Barney says, sniffing one of the sleeves as Ted zips it up around him and pulls the hood up so people won't see Barney still licking his lips.
He has a sated, well-fucked look to him and it makes Ted proud he it put it there. Now to get him cleaned up even better. They can take a long, soaking bath and have bathsex. Barney's skinny enough to fit between his thighs. And there's always their inflatable pool for roofsex.
Damn, this is getting complicated. More complicated by the fact that post-fucked Barney is amused by the zipper on his borrowed hoodie. "Up and down. Up and down." Barney giggles.
Ted shrugs, ushering them back into the bar, watching Barney flash the room a sleazy, adorable smile that says: dudes...sex god, right here. I rock the softest brand of armor.
He thinks of fantasy!Robin and can't help but think she approves.
Now, he just has to deal with explaining to real Robin, and real Marshall, and real Lily why Barney's wearing his hoodie.
Hmmm...that could be a fun story...
