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snoggedFound this linked off of a friend's FB today and just knew that I had to copy and paste into LJ documentshare because I've got plenty of friends who love zombies like I do :)
Source: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792632
Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS...
Victim: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!
Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS!
Zombie #2: Mark.
Zombie #1: Shhh, I'm trying to stay focused here. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!
Zombie #2: Mark that guy is getting away from us, like, really easily.
Zombie #1: Dude I know. Who would've thought a middle-aged used car salesman could suddenly turn into frickin' Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt when he was alive, I mean. Zombie Usain Bolt is slower than me somehow.
Zombie #2: But that guy's just... he's just walking briskly.
Zombie #1: I know! It's like, where's the fire, asshole? I mean, there's fires all over the place, but you know what I mean. *Sigh* C'est la vie. We'll get the next one.
Zombie #2: Mark, I've been thinking.
Zombie #1: How? Your head's barely on.
Zombie #2: Still. I have an idea.
Zombie #1: Try me. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!!!
Zombie #2: Can you stop doing that first?
Zombie #1: ...
Zombie #2: ...Thank y-
Zombie #1: Brains.
Zombie #2: ...Thanks. OK, now this is gonna sound a little 'crazy'-
Zombie #1: You wanna go halfsies on that dead dog over there?
Zombie #2: No. I was gonna say, why don't we just... run.
Zombie #1: Say whaa?
Zombie #2: Run. Running. Our legs, moving faster than they currently are.
Zombie #1: That's ridiculous. We're zombies. We shamble. Shambling is our thing. We shamble, and then we swarm.
Zombie #2: First of all, there are two of us. But also why?
Zombie #1: Why? Why is the sky blue? Why is the marrow inside a human femur the most delicious thing on Earth? Nobody knows these things.
Zombie #2: I just think we should try it, is all.
Zombie #1: Yeah, well, I don't like where what's left of your head is at.
Zombie #2: You know where I'd like my head to be at, Mark? Buried cheek deep in the arm meat of a fat lady who's all mine because I chased her down myself. I'm sick and tired of splitting meals with our friends. There's too much jockeying for position, and everyone we hang out with smells, just, the worst.
Zombie #1: Really? I miss my nose. Anyway what you're suggesting is preposterous. Speed is our primary weakness, and always has been. It's like if sunlight suddenly started making vampires glisten instead of die.
Zombie #2: Look, I don't care anymore. I'm hungry. And I'm doin' it.
Zombie #1: Fine, but don't come moaning to me when your undead leg bones disintegrate before you've made it ten steps.
Zombie #2: Shut up. That is not going to happen. (Exhales slowly.) I can do this.
Zombie #1: Should I fire a gun into the air or something?
Zombie #2: That's stupid. We can't... can we use guns?
Zombie #1: I dunno. Never tried.
Zombie #2: ...OK we'll come back to that. Anyway, here goes.
(Zombie #2 takes off running, and stops successfully after a short distance.)
Zombie #2: Holy shit.
Zombie #1: Holy shit!
Zombie #2: I mean DID YOU SEE THAT!?
Zombie #1: I DID! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?
Zombie #2: I can't really hear you, Mark. Why don't you run over here and tell me?
Zombie #1: You know what? I fuckin' will!
(Zombie #1 starts to run, but his undead leg bones disintegrate before he makes it ten steps.)
Zombie #1: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!
Zombie #2: Oh my zombie god. Are you OK, buddy? Can you walk? What do you need?
Zombie #1: CAAAAAANES!!
Source: http://www.collegehumor.com/article:1792632
Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS...
Victim: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!
Zombie #1: BRAAAAIIINS!
Zombie #2: Mark.
Zombie #1: Shhh, I'm trying to stay focused here. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!
Zombie #2: Mark that guy is getting away from us, like, really easily.
Zombie #1: Dude I know. Who would've thought a middle-aged used car salesman could suddenly turn into frickin' Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt when he was alive, I mean. Zombie Usain Bolt is slower than me somehow.
Zombie #2: But that guy's just... he's just walking briskly.
Zombie #1: I know! It's like, where's the fire, asshole? I mean, there's fires all over the place, but you know what I mean. *Sigh* C'est la vie. We'll get the next one.
Zombie #2: Mark, I've been thinking.
Zombie #1: How? Your head's barely on.
Zombie #2: Still. I have an idea.
Zombie #1: Try me. BRRAAAAIINNNS!!!!
Zombie #2: Can you stop doing that first?
Zombie #1: ...
Zombie #2: ...Thank y-
Zombie #1: Brains.
Zombie #2: ...Thanks. OK, now this is gonna sound a little 'crazy'-
Zombie #1: You wanna go halfsies on that dead dog over there?
Zombie #2: No. I was gonna say, why don't we just... run.
Zombie #1: Say whaa?
Zombie #2: Run. Running. Our legs, moving faster than they currently are.
Zombie #1: That's ridiculous. We're zombies. We shamble. Shambling is our thing. We shamble, and then we swarm.
Zombie #2: First of all, there are two of us. But also why?
Zombie #1: Why? Why is the sky blue? Why is the marrow inside a human femur the most delicious thing on Earth? Nobody knows these things.
Zombie #2: I just think we should try it, is all.
Zombie #1: Yeah, well, I don't like where what's left of your head is at.
Zombie #2: You know where I'd like my head to be at, Mark? Buried cheek deep in the arm meat of a fat lady who's all mine because I chased her down myself. I'm sick and tired of splitting meals with our friends. There's too much jockeying for position, and everyone we hang out with smells, just, the worst.
Zombie #1: Really? I miss my nose. Anyway what you're suggesting is preposterous. Speed is our primary weakness, and always has been. It's like if sunlight suddenly started making vampires glisten instead of die.
Zombie #2: Look, I don't care anymore. I'm hungry. And I'm doin' it.
Zombie #1: Fine, but don't come moaning to me when your undead leg bones disintegrate before you've made it ten steps.
Zombie #2: Shut up. That is not going to happen. (Exhales slowly.) I can do this.
Zombie #1: Should I fire a gun into the air or something?
Zombie #2: That's stupid. We can't... can we use guns?
Zombie #1: I dunno. Never tried.
Zombie #2: ...OK we'll come back to that. Anyway, here goes.
(Zombie #2 takes off running, and stops successfully after a short distance.)
Zombie #2: Holy shit.
Zombie #1: Holy shit!
Zombie #2: I mean DID YOU SEE THAT!?
Zombie #1: I DID! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?
Zombie #2: I can't really hear you, Mark. Why don't you run over here and tell me?
Zombie #1: You know what? I fuckin' will!
(Zombie #1 starts to run, but his undead leg bones disintegrate before he makes it ten steps.)
Zombie #1: AAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!
Zombie #2: Oh my zombie god. Are you OK, buddy? Can you walk? What do you need?
Zombie #1: CAAAAAANES!!
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no subject
on 2009-12-08 06:40 am (UTC)oh and PS -- haven't clicked on your actual journal in a while, and your banner is *gorgeous* O.O
beautiful *is in awe*
no subject
on 2009-12-08 01:26 pm (UTC)And hee! I thought it was funny so I'm glad you liked it.
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on 2009-12-08 07:01 am (UTC)Gabrielle
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on 2009-12-08 01:26 pm (UTC)That's awesome!
no subject
on 2009-12-08 05:22 pm (UTC)Gabrielle
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on 2009-12-08 06:58 pm (UTC)Do you have a copy of it that you'd be willing to share?
no subject
on 2009-12-08 07:12 pm (UTC)Gabrielle
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on 2009-12-08 10:24 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2009-12-08 07:07 am (UTC)Thanks for this. It made me laugh harder than I have in a long time.
&hearts
no subject
on 2009-12-08 01:26 pm (UTC)You are one of my fellow zombie lovers :)
no subject
on 2009-12-08 09:27 am (UTC)We're not unreasonable.
I mean, no-one's gonna eat your eyes.
;-)
(love this. Sparkly vampires for the snark!)
no subject
on 2009-12-08 01:26 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2009-12-09 12:11 am (UTC)no subject
on 2009-12-09 02:09 am (UTC)May 9, 1998
At night, we played Poker with Scott the guard, Alias and Steve the
Researcher. Steve was really lucky, but I think he was cheating. What
a scumbag.
May 10, 1998
Today, a high ranking researcher asked me to take care of a new monster.
It looks like a gorilla without any skin. They told me to feed them live food.
When I threw in a pig, they were playing with it... tearing off the pig's legs
and pulling out the guts before they actually ate it.
May 11, 1998
Around 5 o'clock this morning, Scott came in and woke me up suddenly.
He was wearing a protection suit that looks like a space suit. He told me
to put one on as well. I heard there was an accident in the basement lab.
It's no wonder, those researchers never rest, even at night.
May 12, 1998
I've been wearing this annoying space suit since yesterday. My skin grows
musty and feels very itchy. By way of revenge, I didn't feed those dogs
today. Now I feel better.
May 13, 1998
I went to the medical room because my back is all swollen and feels itchy.
They put a big bandage on my back and the doctor told me I did
not need to wear the space suit any more.
I guess I can sleep well tonight.
May 14, 1998
When I woke up this morning, I found another blister on my foot. It was
annoying and I ended up dragging my foot as I went to the dogs pen. They
have been quiet since morning, which is very unusual. I found that some
of them escaped. I'll be in real trouble if some of the higher-ups find out.
May 15, 1998
Even though I didn't feel well, I decided to go see Nancy. It's my first
day off in a long time. But I was stopped by the guard on the way out.
They say the company has ordered that no one leave the grounds. I can't
even make a phone call. What kind of joke is this?!
May 16, 1998
I heard a researcher who tried to escape from this mansion was shot last
night. My entire body feels burning and itchy at night. When I was
scratching the swelling on my arm, a lump of rotten flesh dropped off.
What the hell is happening to me?
May 19, 1998
Fever gone but itchy.
Hungry and eat doggy food.
Itchy itchy Scott came.
Ugly face so killed him.
Tasty.
Itchy.
Tasty.
no subject
on 2009-12-09 04:01 am (UTC)I love the ending.